Sunday, March 6, 2011

My first 539 words

Ok, here it is. My first 539 words of my W.I.P Born For This. Specially for the Catch Me if You Can Blogfest held by Kristina Fugate over at Kaykay’s Corner.  The idea is to answer the question we all have "Does my W.I.P. catch people's attention right away?" this is the first 539 words; minus my prologue that is still under major construction. Luckily my prologue is not necessary to the start of my book (more so it is for a hint and an overall flow for the book)  so it is all good.

So here it is, I’m bearing my soul (and a little scared)^.^ but please feel free to comment and critique. I know it is still pretty rough around the edges but it is only my first draft and I would love to improve my craft. If you have a lot to say, or don’t feel like sharing your critique publicly, you can e-mail me at

And without further ado, Born For This:

She could not run forever. On some level even she knew that, but running was the only thing on her mind. Right. Left. Right. Left. Breathe in. Breathe out. In. Out. The only thing that mattered was putting ground between  herself and her pursuers one step at a time. Ahead she saw a fallen tree trunk, pushing herself into sprint her body screamed its protests but the extra speed was what she needed, and with one final push both feet left the ground sending her flying over the obstacle.
She landed, crouched, on the forest floor and everything seemed to slow. Her breath catching in her chest as her small pack slammed into her back. Her black boots crushing into the dirt, a sharp pain screaming up her calves. Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soaked face sticking to her pale skin. Slowly lids closed over red irises, fingers digging into rocky soil, nails breaking under the pressure, her breath catching up with her again and with it everything was slammed into fast forward once more. She was off again.
Leaving the slightly worn deer trail the red head darted into the thick foliage hoping to lose the men that where chasing her.  It was an act of desperation, she had never been able to navigate within the tress as well as one would expect from a girl who had lived within their protection for years. To the red head it was as if the tress knew what she was, as if they knew what she could do, that with a flick of her wrist she could destroy this whole forest, and they hated her for it, willing her to be caught, slapping at her face, ripping at her skin and clothing. And just when she thought the forest would have its way she stumbled into a clearing. She would make it out of this alive!
The happy thought had barely crossed her oxygen starved mind before her eyes settled on the only thing worse than more trees. A lake, deep and blue, it didn’t expand far but it cut off her exit. She cursed herself for not sensing it, for not making herself more aware to this danger. Somehow over a flurry of frantic thoughts and her blood pounding in her ear she heard them. Cutting through the trees had only cost her time. Shit. They would be on her in a moment. She needed time to think, she needed longer then she had to think, she needed time to breath.  Lifting her left hand she could feel the heat of her intentions starting to spread down her arm. She spread her fingers turning her hand so her palm faced up. Closing her eyes she pulled at the primal energy housed within her, heat burned through her for an instant and she quickly lifted her arm above her head setting it free. When she opened her eyes she saw the tress surrounding the clearing had been engulfed in flame. She knew it only bought her a few minutes and the wall of fire was not fool proof, but it was better than nothing. And hopefully a few minutes was all she would need to gather herself.


  1. Intriguing. That's my word for today. I loved how you included the pack hitting her back after she jumped over the fallen tree. There is a lot in here to pull me in and make me want to read more.

    For instance, who is she running from, why, what do they want with her, etc. And then her fire power. Exciting!

    Very nice! I was into the story and nothing jerked me out of it, so if there are small mechanical issues, I didn't see them.

  2. Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soaked face sticking to her pale skin. There is something a little off with this sentence, almost like you used too many adjectives.

    You also said 'the red-head' twice in the second paragraph which is a little much since you already have the sentence mentioned above.

    As Charity said, I want to know who she's running from. I also like how you added conflict with the fact that she ran straight into a lake.

  3. Yay! So awesome, Alexis! I LOVE your imagery, especially in the third paragraph. You can certainly set a scene.

    I agree with Brooke on the adjetives. You don't need to set up all the physical details right away--keep some a secret for later in the story, like little reader treats, haha.

    I definitely want to read more! It definitely pulled me right in. :D Let me know if you post more!

  4. Very nice images! The only two things that threw me off where the things that Brooke mentioned above - otherwise it was an exciting beginning and makes me want to go running through the woods (although without the men pursuing me!).

  5. I'm hooked and what to know what happens next. Very descriptive.

  6. This was great. Love how you drew me in with the paragraph. she's running from others. Good job. You kept my attention from there on.

  7. I want to know what she is! ; ) The POV shifts between close third and ominscient and shifts several times. I don't think she'd be thinking about her deep crimson hair and pale skin. She wouldn't look at herself this way. You might just let her see a strand of red hair in front of her eyes when when turns to look back.

  8. Big fan of paranormal and I must say you hooked me. I want to read more. I love the line: ...the heat of her intentions starting to spread down her arm. Great imagery.

    My only suggestion, get rid of telling words like was, could, feel, seem, saw… For example, instead of "When she opened her eyes she saw the tress surrounding the clearing had been engulfed in flame." Try, "She opened her eyes. Flames engulfed the tress surrounding the clearing." This puts the focus more on what she's seeing rather than the act of seeing.

    Thanks for posting. Natasha Hanova

  9. Sounds good. I'd look at changing up the sentence structure in places. For instance, these three sentences are right together.
    Her breath catching in her chest as her small pack slammed into her back.
    Her black boots crushing into the dirt, a sharp pain screaming up her calves.
    Her deep crimson hair curling around
    They begin exactly the same - subject, verb, object. It's basic structure and works but should be mixed up to amplify the tension.

  10. This is really intense, you've done a great job of building tension and intrigue. You've hinted out and laid out some information abuot the character that we'll want to know more about later on but that doesn't matter now.

    Since this is a first draft, I don't think you need specific edit yet - when you go back and clean it up keep an eye out for wordiness. Otherwise, amazing intro. I'd read more for sure.

  11. Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'm hooked.

    So, does she have red hair and red eyes? I think you said red irises. I take it she's not human. What genre is this? YA or adult? Hard fantasy?

    Yes, I'm caught. I want to know who she is, why they're chasing her, and why the trees are slowing her down. (On that note, and I don't know if anyone else mentioned this, but there are at least three spots when I think you have "tress" instead of "trees".)

    Thanks for sharing this! Nice job :)

  12. I love it!!! You have me hooked!!! I'm also in KayKay's blogfest and would love some feedback on the story that's driving me crazy!!!

  13. I enjoy the description. I am curious about why the girl has needed the protection offered by the trees for years--this created a lot of good questions for me and pulled me into her story.

    I did feel dragged down by the pacing a little. Perhaps because some of the sentences are very wordy. Tightening the sentences could help the pacing.

    Great job. Happy writing!

  14. My heart is still racing! Absolutely loved it :) I won't regurgitate the technical issues,as everyone seems to have pointed out the dew I spotted already!

    I am now a follower :)

  15. Not bad. Reminds me of Katniss in The Hunger Games at first. If you can get your MC's name in there early, you can cut out a few 'the readhead' descriptions. I identify more with a character when I know his/her name.

    The red eyes, red hair is cool. Build up the blast a bit more, and keep going! :)


  16. Agree with the red head comments. They pulled me out of the story. Wasn't expecting MC to be referred to externally after being so deep inside of her head. Same with the description of her eyes. I love that she has red irises though, and red hair.

    And if a printed book could have the red background on the page that you have on your blog... It sets a certain mood. :)

    Love how her concentration on running spirals down to "In. Out." That is panicked running that I can feel on the page. It sings!

  17. Oh, I am so hooked. You've got great tension here. I was on the edge of my seat reading it! I'm not going to rehash what everyone else has already said, so let me just tell you I'm DYING to keep reading.

    Thanks for sharing :)

  18. Your description is very awesome - love all the detail you put into it. I want to read no for suuuure!

    Just a comment on commas:

    "Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soaked face sticking to her pale skin."

    I think quite often you miss out commas where they're needed, and also sometimes you use commas were a semi-colon or even a full stop would be better. Maybe read out each line and identify the spots where you would pause in speaking - and put a comma in those spots. For e.g. the above line - I would put a comma after "face".

    But all in all, a gripping read! well done :)

  19. Nice pacing and great action for the intro to your story! Makes me want to find out what's happening - which means I'd continue reading.

    I do agree on the comma thing Trisha said, though.

  20. I like this. There are several times you use too many adjectives in one sentence. Please, break your paragraphs up. Big blocks of text get glossed over by readers. I do it all the time.

    And why do you only refer to her as 'the redhead' (which is one word)and not a name? Does she not know her name? and if not, does that matter, you are using third person narration, so the narrator might, or should know her name. Just a thought.

    I would read on, if only to see what her name is. And I am feeling like she is a fire elemental and I love that.


  21. I too want to know what she is running from! One thing I noticed was there was a lot of explaining and describing of the scene, lots of adjectives, not too many verbs.

    I would read on though to find out what it is she's running from. :)

  22. Fantastic beginning! I'd definitely read on. Agree with limiting 'the redhead' comments and some wordy lines but overall thought it was very suspenseful. Well done!