tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post1663415350159331085..comments2023-02-19T05:07:13.124-07:00Comments on Korê Averna: My first 539 wordsAlexishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10696788557342550493noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-56108458890196268392011-03-11T06:18:39.124-07:002011-03-11T06:18:39.124-07:00Fantastic beginning! I'd definitely read on. A...Fantastic beginning! I'd definitely read on. Agree with limiting 'the redhead' comments and some wordy lines but overall thought it was very suspenseful. Well done!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-36989413179483793192011-03-08T20:30:10.500-07:002011-03-08T20:30:10.500-07:00I too want to know what she is running from! One ...I too want to know what she is running from! One thing I noticed was there was a lot of explaining and describing of the scene, lots of adjectives, not too many verbs.<br /><br />I would read on though to find out what it is she's running from. :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-5373919576054694302011-03-08T15:10:08.635-07:002011-03-08T15:10:08.635-07:00I like this. There are several times you use too m...I like this. There are several times you use too many adjectives in one sentence. Please, break your paragraphs up. Big blocks of text get glossed over by readers. I do it all the time. <br /><br />And why do you only refer to her as 'the redhead' (which is one word)and not a name? Does she not know her name? and if not, does that matter, you are using third person narration, so the narrator might, or should know her name. Just a thought. <br /><br />I would read on, if only to see what her name is. And I am feeling like she is a fire elemental and I love that. <br /><br />JJodi Henryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03216373059861459896noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-9761203257800651162011-03-08T13:46:02.093-07:002011-03-08T13:46:02.093-07:00Nice pacing and great action for the intro to your...Nice pacing and great action for the intro to your story! Makes me want to find out what's happening - which means I'd continue reading. <br /><br />I do agree on the comma thing Trisha said, though.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11046724975658216337noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-42624398361473669372011-03-07T20:42:48.614-07:002011-03-07T20:42:48.614-07:00Your description is very awesome - love all the de...Your description is very awesome - love all the detail you put into it. I want to read no for suuuure!<br /><br />Just a comment on commas:<br /><br />"Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soaked face sticking to her pale skin."<br /><br />I think quite often you miss out commas where they're needed, and also sometimes you use commas were a semi-colon or even a full stop would be better. Maybe read out each line and identify the spots where you would pause in speaking - and put a comma in those spots. For e.g. the above line - I would put a comma after "face".<br /><br />But all in all, a gripping read! well done :)Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16927558937796802496noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-86933995655054673462011-03-07T19:48:20.461-07:002011-03-07T19:48:20.461-07:00Oh, I am so hooked. You've got great tension h...Oh, I am so hooked. You've got great tension here. I was on the edge of my seat reading it! I'm not going to rehash what everyone else has already said, so let me just tell you I'm DYING to keep reading.<br /><br />Thanks for sharing :)Kristina Fugatehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18204372165725432422noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-66489482909975599292011-03-07T18:48:03.080-07:002011-03-07T18:48:03.080-07:00Agree with the red head comments. They pulled me o...Agree with the red head comments. They pulled me out of the story. Wasn't expecting MC to be referred to externally after being so deep inside of her head. Same with the description of her eyes. I love that she has red irises though, and red hair. <br /><br />And if a printed book could have the red background on the page that you have on your blog... It sets a certain mood. :)<br /><br />Love how her concentration on running spirals down to "In. Out." That is panicked running that I can feel on the page. It sings!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-46777051398168099612011-03-07T18:02:45.443-07:002011-03-07T18:02:45.443-07:00Not bad. Reminds me of Katniss in The Hunger Games...Not bad. Reminds me of Katniss in The Hunger Games at first. If you can get your MC's name in there early, you can cut out a few 'the readhead' descriptions. I identify more with a character when I know his/her name.<br /><br />The red eyes, red hair is cool. Build up the blast a bit more, and keep going! :)<br /><br />Marie, http://marierearden.blogspot.comMarie Reardenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13653459061863869033noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-10230841028311464212011-03-07T16:05:36.088-07:002011-03-07T16:05:36.088-07:00My heart is still racing! Absolutely loved it :) I...My heart is still racing! Absolutely loved it :) I won't regurgitate the technical issues,as everyone seems to have pointed out the dew I spotted already!<br /><br />I am now a follower :)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-20219692544376484782011-03-07T16:03:29.712-07:002011-03-07T16:03:29.712-07:00I enjoy the description. I am curious about why th...I enjoy the description. I am curious about why the girl has needed the protection offered by the trees for years--this created a lot of good questions for me and pulled me into her story. <br /><br />I did feel dragged down by the pacing a little. Perhaps because some of the sentences are very wordy. Tightening the sentences could help the pacing. <br /><br />Great job. Happy writing!Heidi Whttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15056627400336997554noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-91649225351877960512011-03-07T15:47:07.785-07:002011-03-07T15:47:07.785-07:00I love it!!! You have me hooked!!! I'm also in...I love it!!! You have me hooked!!! I'm also in KayKay's blogfest and would love some feedback on the story that's driving me crazy!!!Siobhan aka Mia-Sehanahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16006313901442196346noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-8642209301875469702011-03-07T14:05:53.390-07:002011-03-07T14:05:53.390-07:00Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'm hooked.
So, does she h...Whoa. Okay. Yeah, I'm hooked. <br /><br />So, does she have red hair and red eyes? I think you said red irises. I take it she's not human. What genre is this? YA or adult? Hard fantasy?<br /><br />Yes, I'm caught. I want to know who she is, why they're chasing her, and why the trees are slowing her down. (On that note, and I don't know if anyone else mentioned this, but there are at least three spots when I think you have "tress" instead of "trees".)<br /><br />Thanks for sharing this! Nice job :)RosieChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07911305246379355484noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-80942816438070765442011-03-07T13:56:17.652-07:002011-03-07T13:56:17.652-07:00This is really intense, you've done a great jo...This is really intense, you've done a great job of building tension and intrigue. You've hinted out and laid out some information abuot the character that we'll want to know more about later on but that doesn't matter now.<br /><br />Since this is a first draft, I don't think you need specific edit yet - when you go back and clean it up keep an eye out for wordiness. Otherwise, amazing intro. I'd read more for sure.Loralie Hallhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07134452749240292803noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-60325467109686080782011-03-07T13:11:04.590-07:002011-03-07T13:11:04.590-07:00Sounds good. I'd look at changing up the sente...Sounds good. I'd look at changing up the sentence structure in places. For instance, these three sentences are right together. <br />Her breath catching in her chest as her small pack slammed into her back. <br />Her black boots crushing into the dirt, a sharp pain screaming up her calves. <br />Her deep crimson hair curling around <br />They begin exactly the same - subject, verb, object. It's basic structure and works but should be mixed up to amplify the tension.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-27362759704500750872011-03-07T12:25:16.438-07:002011-03-07T12:25:16.438-07:00Big fan of paranormal and I must say you hooked me...Big fan of paranormal and I must say you hooked me. I want to read more. I love the line: ...the heat of her intentions starting to spread down her arm. Great imagery.<br /><br />My only suggestion, get rid of telling words like was, could, feel, seem, saw… For example, instead of "When she opened her eyes she saw the tress surrounding the clearing had been engulfed in flame." Try, "She opened her eyes. Flames engulfed the tress surrounding the clearing." This puts the focus more on what she's seeing rather than the act of seeing.<br /><br />Thanks for posting. Natasha HanovaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-91353638771262329832011-03-07T12:02:10.312-07:002011-03-07T12:02:10.312-07:00I want to know what she is! ; ) The POV shifts bet...I want to know <i>what</i> she is! ; ) The POV shifts between close third and ominscient and shifts several times. I don't think she'd be thinking about her deep crimson hair and pale skin. She wouldn't look at herself this way. You might just let her see a strand of red hair in front of her eyes when when turns to look back.Zan Mariehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00166450116524323462noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-85944314260107193132011-03-07T11:43:04.663-07:002011-03-07T11:43:04.663-07:00This was great. Love how you drew me in with the p...This was great. Love how you drew me in with the paragraph. she's running from others. Good job. You kept my attention from there on.Natalie Deckerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09420337655010987555noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-80014916887053226832011-03-07T11:11:11.015-07:002011-03-07T11:11:11.015-07:00I'm hooked and what to know what happens next....I'm hooked and what to know what happens next. Very descriptive.Heather M. Gardnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07232419331422866247noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-60164479718373997902011-03-07T10:50:37.239-07:002011-03-07T10:50:37.239-07:00Very nice images! The only two things that threw m...Very nice images! The only two things that threw me off where the things that Brooke mentioned above - otherwise it was an exciting beginning and makes me want to go running through the woods (although without the men pursuing me!).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-27669431042602849132011-03-07T01:44:25.359-07:002011-03-07T01:44:25.359-07:00Yay! So awesome, Alexis! I LOVE your imagery, espe...Yay! So awesome, Alexis! I LOVE your imagery, especially in the third paragraph. You can certainly set a scene.<br /><br />I agree with Brooke on the adjetives. You don't need to set up all the physical details right away--keep some a secret for later in the story, like little reader treats, haha.<br /><br />I definitely want to read more! It definitely pulled me right in. :D Let me know if you post more!SoftlySeekinghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17208080040949810408noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-90611267846021977732011-03-06T17:36:47.437-07:002011-03-06T17:36:47.437-07:00Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soa...<i>Her deep crimson hair curling around her sweat soaked face sticking to her pale skin.</i> There is something a little off with this sentence, almost like you used too many adjectives.<br /><br />You also said 'the red-head' twice in the second paragraph which is a little much since you already have the sentence mentioned above.<br /><br />As Charity said, I want to know who she's running from. I also like how you added conflict with the fact that she ran straight into a lake.Brooke R. Bussehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17147444223968856153noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3026010439811693776.post-63170897807679228912011-03-06T15:12:39.355-07:002011-03-06T15:12:39.355-07:00Intriguing. That's my word for today. I loved ...Intriguing. That's my word for today. I loved how you included the pack hitting her back after she jumped over the fallen tree. There is a lot in here to pull me in and make me want to read more.<br /><br />For instance, who is she running from, why, what do they want with her, etc. And then her fire power. Exciting!<br /><br />Very nice! I was into the story and nothing jerked me out of it, so if there are small mechanical issues, I didn't see them.Charity Bradfordhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01960821077619680661noreply@blogger.com